dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
