paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
