New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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