Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
