shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
