i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
