I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
