im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
