I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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