I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
