You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
