I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
