Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
