the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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