Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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