meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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