You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
