He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
