my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
