Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
