Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
