I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
