ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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