i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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