my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
