I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
