you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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