A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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