sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
