I think i sorta joined a cult last night
there's paper in my vomit.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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