He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
