take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
