Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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