the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
