i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
