WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
my poor anus
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
