I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
im on a boat
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