Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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