I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
