he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
