i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
