I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
