sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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