Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
