Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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