There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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