That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
