wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
