Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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