I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
