you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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