Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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