I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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