I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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