Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
