i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
