When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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